Let’s face it, a great portion of us do not love using Zoom.
In the midst of our dark, isolated lives, there has perhaps been no brighter star than Zoom, everyone’s favourite virtual meeting app. But as 90% of the population will tell you, there are some not-so-wonderful experiences we would rather forget. And without further ado, here they are…
The OG dilemma: where do I look?
Into the camera like a psychopath? At yourself? At your mate and try to have a secret conversation just through facial gestures? This virtual eye-contact stuff is a lot to deal with.
Unbearable small talk with other early arrivals.
So you made the tragic error of arriving on time to your Zoom meeting. Now you have to conjure up meaningless chit-chat while you wait for the cleverer few to show their faces. Unbearable.
Catching glimpses of your fine (or not so fine) self while you’re talking.
There’s nothing more unnatural than watching yourself talk. And yet here we are, staring into our own souls as we recap the weeks agenda because it’s impossible not to.
“Ha-ha, no sorry, you go.”
The cardinal cringe of Zoom – talking over each other. Totally unavoidable, totally painful.
Long, painful silences that make you want to curl up and die.
Why on God’s green Earth do some questions produce minutes of deathly silence? It’s unanswerable. We’re all just sitting here hoping, nay praying, for it to be over.
Spending too long finding your lighting pre-Zoom.
You don’t want to admit it, but you’re bunched into a tiny corner of your living room getting the last of the golden-hour rays. Extra points if you decorated the background.
The invigorating interruption.
Is it a cat on the keyboard? Your child screaming for you to play with them? Someone’s partner walking behind them oblivious and half-naked? Whatever the interruption, you know it’s the most memorable thing about that Zoom.
Staring at just one person.
And then wondering if they noticed… which they probably did. #stalker
Well-timed coffee slurps.
Using your newfound ninja skills to speedily turn off the microphone and get your much-needed caffeine fix. Thirty seconds and you’re back, baby.
Pretending your camera isn’t working because you look like hell.
You’re not proud of it, but some days it’s essential. Especially if the Zoom’s scheduled for 8am… that’s just unfair.
Hoping nobody notices you’ve been wearing the same outfit for five days straight.
One of the few joys of isolation is not having to dress up to go to work. You’re just praying no one has picked up on the fact you’ve been wearing your blue hoodie for a week now.
Resisting the urge to do a little show and tell.
You know your dog is being unbelievably cute right now but you also know that absolutely nobody cares.
The best way to spice up your life during iso! You’ve tried the classic turquoise beach, stunning city skyline, bougie hotel interior. Next you might try Pride Rock, who knows!
Wondering if you should be the one to ask Karen to turn off her mic.
Nobody wants to hear Karen chewing her toast. But the great dilemma when you are not the moderator – should you, or should you not, police the audio??
Hopelessly flirting with your Zoom crush.
So you’ve met the love of your life in your afternoon online tutorial and you want to lock that shit down (no pun intended). Too bad virtually flirting during a group discussion is harder than quantum mechanics.
Absolutely busting for the loo at absolutely the wrong time.
Why must this always happen right when it’s your turn to talk, or when the boss is deep diving? You just cross those legs, do the gentle rock back and forth, and hope for the best.
You’ve been on mute for the last two minutes.
It’s a rookie mistake, but we’ve all been there. Spare a thought for all the people who have thought they were off mute, but weren’t… RIP.