Welcome to THTH, Forte’s premier source of all things heavy, hard, fast and metal.
In case you didn’t hear, Joey Jordison has left Slipknot. Shortly after the departure a statement was released suggesting he decided to leave. Then I saw a lead for an article stating Joey didn’t decide to leave. Intriguing…
So, in a world first Forte exclusive, THTH will continue to dissect the goings-on behind the scenes in the Slipknot camp in the only way we know how: speculation. This is THTH’s Holiday Joey Departs Slipknot Fanfic.
The Slipkopter hovered above the evening NY skyline before landing on a Hilton Hotel rooftop. The eight men made their way down to the street, then to the bar Monte told them to meet. The eight men walked into the dark, smokey and dingy bar. Monte was hunched on a bar stool, resting on the bar while nursing a bottle of whiskey.
‘You wanted to see us?’ Sid asked.
Monte turned around to see Slipknot standing in the bar. He rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating; he never thought the band he dug up out of the dusty ground would come to visit him at his request now, after everything.
Monte stood up from his stool, walked straight past Sid and shook everyone’s hands, then turned back to Sid, looked surprised, then shook his hand. Sid smiled on the outside, but on the inside his feeling of invisibility was overwhelming.
‘So, what is so important we all needed to come here?’ Corey asked Monte absently.
‘Well, first of all, I can’t believe you’re all here and, well, I’m so glad you all came,’ he began. ‘I’m just going to cut straight to the point – I need a job.’
The eight guys looked at each other dumbfounded, then back at Monte.
‘You want a job?’ asked Shawn while stroking his beard.
‘Look, I know it’s a big ask, but, you know, if it weren’t for me Slipknot would still be … well, unheard of,’ Monte said.
‘You think because you got lucky and signed us before anyone else saw us and signed us makes you special?’ Corey asked. ‘Man, you got lucky. We were always going to make it big,’ he concluded.
‘Look, I know you guys haven’t replaced Paul yet, may he rest in peace, and, well, Metallica had Bob Rock do bass for them, so I was thinking surely I could do bass for you guys,’ Monte offered.
‘And Metallica sucked balls when they had anything to do with Bob Rock,’ Joey retorted. ‘Bob Rock sucks and we don’t want anyone to think we’re like Metallica in any way, especially by having a record label employee play with us; so the answer is no,’ Joey said.
Monte looked at the other seven guys. They were all looking at the ground trying to remain invisible.
‘Guys?’ Monte asked.
Joey looked at the other seven guys, then back to Monte. ‘See, these bitches know what’s best. That’s why they’re remaining silent. They don’t need to say anything to agree with me.’
‘I think we should give him a shot,’ Sid mumbled meekly. The others looked at him; Joey stared shocked daggers at him.
‘I know the dude; he can play bass,’ Sid confirmed.
To be continued…
If you have any news about local metal bands, shows or albums, let THTH know by emailing to email@example.com or get in touch via Twitter at @TooHeavyToHug
Written by Paul S Taylor