Too Heavy To Hug [#582]

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Too Heavy To Hug [#582]

Welcome to THTH, Forte’s premier source of all things heavy, hard, fast and metal.
In case you didn’t hear, Joey Jordison has left Slipknot. Shortly after the departure a statement was released suggesting he decided to leave. Then I saw a lead for an article stating Joey didn’t decide to leave. Intriguing…
So, in a world first Forte exclusive, THTH will continue to dissect the goings-on behind the scenes in the Slipknot camp in the only way we know how: speculation. This is THTH’s Holiday Joey Departs Slipknot Fanfic.
Part VI – The Final Chapter
The eight guys were sitting in a strip club when Sid’s phone lit up. It was a message from Monte saying ‘let’s sort out my position tomorrow – the rehearsal space at 12.’ Sid passed his phone around to the other guys. They all nodded. They all knew what they had to do.
Monte was sitting in the rehearsal room alone before Slipknot walked in to meet him. ‘Let’s keep this brief. I’ve figured out how we can make this work; this, me being in Slipknot and no one really has to know.’ He opened his exercise book and flicked through the pages of more sketches of Slipknot before finding the page with a chart. ‘So, I’ll be on the drums. Joey, you’ll be on guitar and Mick, you’ll be on bass,’ Monte began, but was interrupted by ‘You can’t play the drums,’ Joey said.
‘I’ve been getting lessons from Lars. Him and I and Bob Rock are friends and you’re not,’ Monte said.
‘Well, actually, I played drums for Metalli…’ began Joey, before Monte cut him off to continue his plan.
‘The beauty of this plan is you all wear masks. So, if we say the masks stay behind the instruments and not the members wearing them, then no one will ever know. Brilliant, isn’t it?’ Monte asked.
Corey sat silent. Sid declared it was a good idea, everyone would be happy and they should all start writing right away. The unsure discussion continued; then Bob Rock walked into the rehearsal space. Silence fell. They all knew why he was here.
‘Monte tells me you need a new bass player, so I thought I’d come and take the job,’ he said. Monte and the band looked at each other. More silence.
‘OK,’ Monte began, ‘so I’ll be on drums, Mick can play guitar again and Bob, you can take bass. Sounds like a great plan,’ Monte concluded enthusiastically.
‘No, this is too much! I’m the drummer. I’m the drummer!’ Joey yelled. ‘So, what, we’re going to have Monte Conner and Bob Rock in Slipknot? Seriously?! I mean, we already have one douche bag,’ Joey said pointing at Corey, ‘we don’t need two more douche bags to turn us from Slipknot to Doucheknot.’
Monte and Bob sat there with smiles on their faces; they knew they’d be back working again, earning money while living their dreams that up until this point were left unlived.
‘I hate to say it, but I think this could work,’ Corey said. ‘We’ll keep the masks behind the instruments and no one will know. Joey, you’re out.’
Joey sat in shock.
‘You’ve got plenty of other opportunities and well, your skills have kinda waned,’ Shawn added.
‘People will know, because I’ll tell them on Facebook and everything. I’ll tell them how much of a douche you all are!’ Joey yelled before storming out of the rehearsal space.
‘Don’t worry, fellas,’ Monte said. ‘I got Roadrunner HQ to do up a press release saying Joey decided to leave the band; it should be circulating in about two minutes.’
The End.
If you have any news about local metal bands, shows or albums, let THTH know by emailing to [email protected] or get in touch via Twitter at @TooHeavyToHug
Writen by Paul S Taylor