Josh Wade for PM
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Josh Wade for PM

It is officially the eve of destruction – 2016. The year where Donald Trump has the most chance of becoming President of The United States, only to be challenged by Kanye West after his first term. And on our side of the equator, we once again have the exciting challenge of choosing between two steamy bits of shit.

As we have learnt – there is no guarantee either of these guys will remain PM for a full term. A handful of henchmen have the power to oust anyone, at anytime – which is why we need CUNNY.

If this politically incorrect but oh so correct, pokie addicted, beer swigging and bong smoking bloke from the north had his way – here are five things he would promise as PM.

1.Free Healthcare

This shouldn’t even be a debate – while America slaps and scratches at the idea of universal healthcare, the current government are actually trying to get rid of it. If there is only one human right that remains in this robust political age, it’s gotta be this one.

 

2.Legalise Cannabis

It’s bullshit that I even need to put this one on the list. We smoke more of the stuff than any other country in the world. Even if that wasn’t the case, who doesn’t love a bit of wacky tobaccy? I swear to God, if alcohol was illegal – I probably wouldn’t have a problem with the pokies, and the only problem I’d have was my diet. Munchies are great!

 

3.Tax the Big Corporations

If you make your money in this land, you pay for the land that provides it. No more off-shore silly buggers, this will be an on-shore tax haven and you better bloody believe it. More nurses, better education, futuristic infrastructure and no more greed.

 

4.Public Banking

Gone are the days of international robber barons and private institutions that controls our money. No more worries about how to control the economy because with a government run central bank, we control the lot. And the best part about that is, when it screws up, the public knows exactly who is accountable.

 

5.Colleen Back on Home and Away

This is more of a personal request, but I love myself a bit of Colleen Smart. I shouldn’t need to convince anyone, bring her back!

 

Written by the man himself

When & Where: Music Man, Bendigo – August 16, Karova Lounge, Ballarat – August 17, Pelly Bar, Frankston – August 18, Wrangler Studios, Melbourne – August 19 & 23 [all ages], Barwon Club Hotel, Geelong – August 20 & the Loft, Warrnambool – August 21

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