Stampsy is the Music Director and Drive Announcer at K Rock in Geelong.
“I’ve now had more pap tests than I’ve had dates in the last six months”.
Sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, I realise we take the same preparations for a first date as we do to have our bits checked. Go with me here…
The night before I sat hunched over the calendar on my smart phone, making excuses to reschedule… again. “We have to record interviews in the morning”. “Ugh! I’ll have to stay back after work to catch up on e-mails”. “I’ll have to wash my hair and I can’t be arsed!”.
So, I apply a face mask and give myself a motivational pep talk (I know it all happens “downstairs”, but I want to look refreshed and less pale).
The following morning, I set the alarm early. My body needs a full restoration. I completely deforest the body and straighten my hair. I change my outfit three times. I put on jeans, but I decide that since I’m going straight to second base with the doctor, I’d make access easier and wear a dress. I put on my good underwear and leave the house. Before I do, I clean my teeth… again.
My doctor is running late so I start rehearsing small talk. I want to have witty lines at my disposal to avoid awkward silence. “So, do you come here often” really doesn’t fly in this situation. Neither does “So, am I your first… for the day?”.
I go to the toilet for the second time. I spray some perfume on my wrists. #Nerves
As I walk in to see the doctor, I run through all the different scenarios that could play out. Do I drop my underwear straight away? Do I wait for her to ask me to lay down? Am I too keen? Did I miss a hair on the vajayjay?
And then it’s all done. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But I prefer 30 seconds of uneasiness over years of invasive surgeries. I’ve already had one scare. When I was 18, doctors found a lump on my right ovary. It turned out to be an ingrown follicle and the inflammation went away on its own. Still, scary at the time.
You’re reading this thinking “drama queen”. I’ve overdosed on the visuals. The reality is I know how important pap tests are and they should NOT be postponed. Plus, GOOD news ladies! With new advances in medicine women now only have to be tested (if all in working order) every five years.
We know they suck. Cervical cancer sucks more. Any way we can prevent a loss of life and keep you on this planet a ‘lil longer with your loved ones must be a good thing, right?
I just hope I don’t have to wait as long for my next first date.
Say hi and check out Stampsy on all the socials @only1stampsy – Facebook, Instagram & Twitter.