I host trivia at The Workers Club. Every week we have a theme, and every week I’m caught out. I haven’t seen the film. I haven’t watched the series.
Harry Potter? Nope. Game of Thrones? Not a chance. It seems I’ll press play on a crime show rather than watching little men walk aimlessly for a ring to rule them all. I haven’t seen that either.
Finally, I caved. I said yes to watching a Star Wars. A. Star. Wars. Just one. Star Wars – A New Hope. And now I want that two hours of my life refunded.
Let’s start at the beginning. If I wanted to read subtitles, I would have streamed a foreign film. Or watched SBS. At least there’d be a couple of sex scenes.
So Princess Leia’s in trouble. She fiddles with R2-D2 and he drops a leg. This is only the start of the innuendos in this film. And in this review. Leia gives him some plans and send him on a mission to find Obie… or is it Ben? This guy has more names than Puff Daddy / P Diddy / Sean Coombes.
It has been pointed out to me that this film was a pioneer in its time, but the transitions between scenes have clearly been made by Microsoft PowerPoint 0.0.
3-CPO and R2-D2 get new owners while the bad guys keep following them. 3-CPO masters the art of hiding when the going gets tough, while the main characters continue to be captured. A suggestion, maybe they should take 3-CPO’s lead.
Luke must learn the ways of the Jedi and use the force… as I use the force… of my hair straightener – if I have to watch this film I’m going to multi task.
We’re now at a pub with Chewie and a guy who looks like he has testicles on his chin. Han shoots first and they all go on the mission to save Leia. They’re captured by the giant ball. Luke gets to Leia while Darth Vader battles Obie… Ben… whatever his name is. The rest fall into a trash compactor. Unfortunately, this is not the end of the film.
Ben and Darth dance with light sabres and Darth wins while the others get away. This is STILL NOT the end. So I decided to hang out the washing.
Leia says the plans in R2-D2 are their only hope. But didn’t she say Ben / Obie was their only hope? What a player.
The men enter the target’s shaft and they tell Luke he can pull out at any time. My god, this film is compensating big time. In the end, Luke blows up bad guys, everyone gets medals and I’m creeped out that Luke is hot for his sister who he doesn’t realise is his sister yet, as the screenwriters are writing this film on the fly.
Right. So, where do I get that refund?
Stampsy is the Music Director and Drive Announcer at K Rock in Geelong
Stampsy does her thing on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @only1stampsy