Welcome to THTH, Forte’s premier source of all things heavy, hard, fast and metal.
In case you didn’t hear, Joey Jordison has left Slipknot. Shortly after the departure a statement was released suggesting he decided to leave. Then I saw a lead for an article stating Joey didn’t decide to leave. Intriguing…
So, in a world first Forte exclusive, THTH will continue to dissect the goings-on behind the scenes in the Slipknot camp in the only way we know how: speculation. This is THTH’s Holiday Joey Departs Slipknot Fanfic.
The unfamiliar rehearsal in the unfamiliar sound studio were both rather small for the large band. They worked through old songs with Monte on bass; there was nothing terribly wrong with his ability, and the guys knew that.
‘Look, Monte, you sounded good,’ Corey began after the guys rehearsed, still sitting in the studio, ‘but it’s the attitude, man. Where’s the attitude?’ he asked.
‘Who gives a shit?! The attitude has to be natural. If it ain’t there then he’s out,’ Joey interrupted. ‘The attitude can’t be learned … Monte is too much of a softcock for us.’
‘Shut up, Joey,’ Sid yelled, realising his dream of playing with Monte was about to come true but the only person in the way was Joey.
‘Nah, Joey is right,’ Shawn said. ‘How would he go jumping off keg risers or, like you, jumping off balconies? He wouldn’t. He’s too much of a mammy’s boy.’
‘Shut up too, Shawn,’ Sid yelled with tears beginning to well up in his eyes. ‘We’re not into all that setting each other on fire and shit like that anymore. We don’t need to be. Our music speaks for itself. We’re, like, proper musicians now and it’s all thanks to Monte,’ Sid continued.
‘Bullshit, it’s all thanks to us. He had nothing to do with it so I don’t see why we need to give him a shot. All he did was sign us. If he didn’t some other record A&R stooge would have,’ Joey yelled back.
Silence filled the rehearsal room; tears welled in Monte’s eyes.
‘No other A&R stooge would have signed you bunch of children. I took a risk. I stuck my neck out and this is how you repay me? You sounded shit before I came along. Your shows were nothing but an embarrassment but I saw the potential through the immature shit you guys still carry around like fifteen-year-olds. You’re all still children, crying about your issues through songs and trying to be rebels but you’re not. You’re grown men and you need to move away from your whinging bullshit. That’s why you need me,’ Monte said with a stern, hard voice.
‘You don’t like my lyrics?’ asked Corey.
‘No. They’re cheap, childish and weak,’ Monte answered through a lump in his throat, knowing full well he liked Corey’s lyrics.
‘Fine, you pen some lyrics and show ’em to me, then you’ve got yourself a deal,’ Corey said.
‘Don’t be the douche like you always are, man,’ Shawn said to Corey. ‘You know this is a democracy and you can’t make your douche decisions without half of us agreeing to it.’
To be continued…
If you have any news about local metal bands, shows or albums, let THTH know by emailing to firstname.lastname@example.org or get in touch via Twitter at @TooHeavyToHug
Written by Paul S Taylor
© 2014 Copyright Forte Magazine. All Rights Reserved